When some people, sometimes
strangers and sometimes friends, “Why are you like this?” “Why do you like
men?” “Don’t you know that it is wrong?” “Why are you going against normalcy?”
“Have you tried having a relationship with women?”
In my mind, I always scream
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” but the actual me, the real me, I still smile. Sometimes
in shocked. Other times in awe. At how you think that everything that goes
against your standard of ‘normal’ is in fact abnormal and should be fixed
immediately.
Do you think I chose to be
like this?
To be the laughing stock
wherever I go?
Do you think I don’t know that
people talk? Condemning the likes of us. Spitting out hateful words and slurs
they passed on to their young ones.
I am afraid of people. I am
angry at how I still badly judge people with whom I share this part of me. I
want to share, to let people know, who I really am. But at the same time I want
to cry my eyes out for not being the ‘normal’ guy I should be.
The pressure was all around.
From peers, community and the world. From religion and family. From fear of the
end of the world. What the fuck is wrong with me? Do you really think I chose
to like what I like?
Please.
I like what I like but I never
act on it. I like my ex who is now happily married with 2 kids and he obviously
still like me too despite being bloody married with 2 super cute kids. But you
don’t see me hang out with him on his lunch hour re-kindling whatever we had. I
know we would be too weak so our best bet is to keep away from each other.
Avoiding people is what I do best.
I keep my family close, but my
friends closer. I know I should cherished my family more but my friends are the
family I have chosen. If I want to be who I want to be, I’d be me with my
friends. I want to have lots of laughs and to forget whatever crazy things
crossing my minds. I chose to be happy and not alone. I chose to be happy and
not act crazy like sleeps around, or worst with married men.
Therefore, when you asks me
those questions, I don’t even know what to answer. Because I don’t have the
answers. Because in the end, all of these questions can only be answered by
God. The one who made me the way I am. The one who made me like this, but still
try my very best to be a better person and a kind man.
And if you have these
questions, best if you could keep ‘em to yourself. Because I don’t want to
insult you and whatever god you pray for with my answers.
Be kind, always.
God hates nosy people.