In my mind, I always scream “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” but the actual me, the real me, I still smile. Sometimes in shocked. Other times in awe. At how you think that everything that goes against your standard of ‘normal’ is in fact abnormal and should be fixed immediately.

Do you think I chose to be like this?

To be the laughing stock wherever I go?

Do you think I don’t know that people talk? Condemning the likes of us. Spitting out hateful words and slurs they passed on to their young ones.

I am afraid of people. I am angry at how I still badly judge people with whom I share this part of me. I want to share, to let people know, who I really am. But at the same time I want to cry my eyes out for not being the ‘normal’ guy I should be.

The pressure was all around. From peers, community and the world. From religion and family. From fear of the end of the world. What the fuck is wrong with me? Do you really think I chose to like what I like?

Please.

I like what I like but I never act on it. I like my ex who is now happily married with 2 kids and he obviously still like me too despite being bloody married with 2 super cute kids. But you don’t see me hang out with him on his lunch hour re-kindling whatever we had. I know we would be too weak so our best bet is to keep away from each other. Avoiding people is what I do best.

I keep my family close, but my friends closer. I know I should cherished my family more but my friends are the family I have chosen. If I want to be who I want to be, I’d be me with my friends. I want to have lots of laughs and to forget whatever crazy things crossing my minds. I chose to be happy and not alone. I chose to be happy and not act crazy like sleeps around, or worst with married men.

Therefore, when you asks me those questions, I don’t even know what to answer. Because I don’t have the answers. Because in the end, all of these questions can only be answered by God. The one who made me the way I am. The one who made me like this, but still try my very best to be a better person and a kind man.

And if you have these questions, best if you could keep ‘em to yourself. Because I don’t want to insult you and whatever god you pray for with my answers.

Be kind, always.

God hates nosy people.